Orbit / Obit by Carolynn Kingyens

I would type orbit
instead of obit
right after your pretty name,
which meant Messenger of God,
and the middle name
of my oldest,
in the Google search engine
and thought to myself
how fitting the typo — orbit
since the majority
of my life would be
spent orbiting around
you and your stream
of stories where I'd like
to cast myself
as your protector
and confronter
of demons;
the strong one,
and an absolute fool.

It was my therapist
who said it had a name,
this thing we shared,
our once closeness —
enmeshment,
the blurred point
where you ended
and I began.

Think of us as a patchwork quilt,
or a paper doll chain
holding hands for all eternity;
smooth edges
blurred and frayed
at random.

A few months ago,
I'd watch a Netflix movie,
a true story,
about twin sisters
from England
named June and Jennifer,
who did not speak,
and developed their own
language, becoming
enmeshed, too.

It would be Jennifer
to die first from
acute myocarditis,
a sudden inflammation
of the heart.

And when I went
no contact a decade ago,
I'd think about you every
single day as I wrote
poetry to ghosts,
and ate until I felt all numb
inside.

After I received the call,
I'd scream Mommy!
Mommy! Mommy!
as a forty-nine-year-old orphan,
rocking myself into oblivion
atop an unmade bed
in a fancy boutique hotel
in Toronto.

My cries muffled
by the sound
of someone vacuuming
right outside my door.



Carolynn Kingyens is the author of two poetry collections Before the Big Bang Makes a Sound and Coupling, both published by Kelsay Books. In addition to poetry, she writes essays, book and film reviews, and short fiction. She is currently working on the completion of a short fiction manuscript with the working title Attachment Theory based on a myriad of dysfunctional characters who after plot twists and turns individually arrive at a resigned truth. The title is derived from the quote by the Buddha: "The root of suffering is attachment." Her short story, Bye Bye, Miss American Pie was selected for the Best of Fiction 2021 list.